Look, it’s late, I had a delightful Christmas experience and I’m under absolutely no pressure to create new, interesting, exciting content anymore. So, here’s the rest of my favorite rejected blog paragraphs that didn’t make it into my final joke list. Tomorrow, I begin the long, snowy search for the final 3 pictures to use on this blog.
When people badmouth Texas, here’s how I know it’s jealousy: Ask a non-American to name one of our states. They all know Texas. You live in Iowa? I’ve never heard of you. But everyone knows Texas, the magical land where renegade gunslingers ride their unicorns from town to town shooting evil sheriffs with handlebar mustaches, cheating in poker, and bedding the saloon hussies with hearts of gold.
You know that saying that the crappy restaurants are usually the best? It’s about half and half. Few people realize that what makes the crap places taste good is a thin layer of bacteria that acts as a special coating of sauce. It’s made from a combination of normal griminess, no desire to follow safety protocol, and an employee who didn’t wash his hands after taking a dump. My friends and I ate at one of these places recently. Luckily, I had an antioxidant Vitamin Water that day so the worm eggs and fly vomit couldn’t penetrate my stomach lining. Right at the front entrance was a large chunk of uncooked pig, complete with seven colors of brown and half attached organs. I’m not a biology expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s the pig’s soul. This is either a Korean delicacy or a war trophy presented to the owner when his cutlery army successfully defeated the enemy pig general. Either way, sure beats décor like flower bouquets and pictures of satisfied customers.
I saw a Lollipop2 cell phone ad blasted in pink with a very effeminate man sexily shushing me with his finger. If they were trying to get my attention, they succeeded. Before I was only interested in Samsung, but I was born that way and had no say in the manner. Sure, I enjoyed the curves and softness of their phones and I was taught that other companies aren’t what society demands I own; Samsung’s upgrade program works so it would ensure I could contribute to the next generation of phones. But something has clicked in my brain. After this ad, I felt a desire to experiment with other phone companies. Nothing serious, just a few harmless flings. An iPhone here and a Google Android there. After all, in a few years I have to go live a normal life of a 9-5 job and white picket fence. Now I’m wearing sequins to match the crystals on my Lollipop2. Tomorrow I have to bedazzle my jacket to match my Lady Gaga ring tone. There’s a lesson here, kids. Straying from society’s path is expensive. Save some money first.
A man I saw the other day had the Batman symbol on the back of his capris. I’d say that’s a warning to pickpockets that stealing his wallet will trigger sleep gas or a batarang, but who knows his fashion reasoning. My students will frequently come to class wearing jeans with the McDonald’s logo on the back pocket. These pants don’t come with the chicken nugget Happy Meal. I don’t know why parents buy these jeans for their children, but I’m not going to dwell too much on it. And when you try to steal the kids’ wallets, hot grease and apple pie pieces shoot out.
Listen, if I was told that Obama was smoking crack during his cigarette breaks, I’d be fine. If I was told that Leonardo DiCaprio was leaving acting to just follow me around and bone women that I was interested in, I’d get over it. But I refuse to ever accept that I just paid 1,500 won for my pastry and instead of delicious chocolate or more pastry, I bite into the disgusting red bean paste that has haunted my taste buds ever since I came here. Korea, I use food as an emotional crutch, and I won’t have you spoiling my few minutes of happiness with a food that tastes and looks like wet dirt.
